


Watch Me Come Undone

by goddess_julie



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Gender Changes, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Depressed Zayn, Depression, Gen, Genderswap, OT5 Friendship, Sad, girl!Harry, girl!Liam - Freeform, girl!Louis, girl!Niall, girl!Zayn, girl!direction
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-18
Updated: 2014-11-18
Packaged: 2018-02-26 02:47:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,571
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2635187
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/goddess_julie/pseuds/goddess_julie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The storm rages on outside the window, flakes whirling in the wind as they cover everything in their path.  The sun has gone down and as the chill settles over the city, Zayn burrows deeper into her bed, pulling the blankets over her head.   It doesn’t matter how gorgeous it will be when it’s all said and done, right now the weather outside mirrors her mood perfectly.  </p>
<p>or Zayn is depressed and is used to dealing with things on her own.  This time, maybe she doesn't have to.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Watch Me Come Undone

**Author's Note:**

> As someone who suffers from manic depression, I've been having a lot of ups and downs lately. I came home today and pretty much Zayn in this fic is how I felt when I got home from work. So I used today's NaNoWriMo day to get it all out. It was a therapeutic fic for me. 
> 
> I've never really had to put a trigger warning on, but even rereading it, had me crying so I guess I just should warn about it?

The storm rages on outside the window, flakes whirling in the wind as they cover everything in their path. The sun has gone down and as the chill settles over the city, Zayn burrows deeper into her bed, pulling the blankets over her head. It doesn’t matter how gorgeous it will be when it’s all said and done, right now the weather outside mirrors her mood perfectly. 

Tumultuous. 

Miserable.

Cold.

Dark.

Zayn closes her eyes against the onslaught of images in her mind. She hears voices she doesn’t want in her ears and she focuses on her breathing, three seconds in three seconds out to try and calm the nerves that are building in her stomach. 

Nothing works and she stretches out the kinks in her legs and back. There is a dip on the end of the bed and as tiny feet walk their way up, Zayn lifts the edge of the covers to make an opening. Peaches, Harry’s ginger cat gives her a meow hello as she joins Zayn under the blankets. Seconds later, they’re curled up together, Peaches purring happily while Zayn focuses on the soothing sound.

The wind howls against the window and Zayn finds herself drifting in and out of consciousness. The bed is large and too empty, Zayn too tired and she can’t deal with any of the conflicting emotions that has sparked inside of her. She chooses herself for the moment. She chooses to take care of herself, to ignore everything outside of the tent of blankets she’s cocooned herself into. It’s her and Peaches, and for now that’s all she needs.

The sound of dishes clanking and cupboards closing wakes Zayn from the light sleep she’s fallen into. Peaches has long gone, probably had abandoned her the moment her mum came home and shook food into her bowl. “Traitor,” Zayn whispers with a giggle as she pokes her head out to see what time it is. The clock on her nightstand shows angry red numbers indicating that it’s just after seven o’clock. Her bedroom door has been shut completely, probably by Harry once Peaches had left her room. 

Zayn debates whether or not she’s going to get out of bed. After she contemplates the pros and cons of it, she ends up turning over and curling back up under the blankets, knees pulled up to her chest. There’s a soft knock on her door and Zayn quickly ducks her head back under the blankets, feigning sleep. 

“Zee?” Harry’s voice is soft and Zayn can hear the worry etched there. Zayn fights to even her breathing and she listens as Harry lets a soft sigh out. “Here’s some dinner for you, when you get hungry.”

Once she hears the soft snick of the door closing, Zayn pulls the covers down over her eyes so that she can see what Harry has left for her. There is a lidded thermos bowl and a wrapped sandwich on the tray that the other girl has left on her desk. Closer inspection of the meal reveals that the bowl contains Harry’s infamous chicken noodle soup and the sandwich is turkey with cheddar. There is a piece of fruit on the side along with a folded piece of paper. 

“For when you’re feeling up to eating. Love you, Zee. Love Harry.” There is an artfully drawn heart and a smiley face on the bottom of the note. Tears are flowing down Zayn’s cheeks before she can even register them. She puts the lid back onto the thermos to keep it warm and crawls back into her bed, sobbing into her pillow. She’s not entirely sure why she’s crying, just that she can’t seem to stop.

Nothing feels right, nothing feels good. She hadn’t had a particularly bad day, but it had been so long since she’s had a good one that she is starting to feel overwhelmed by the darkness that’s clouding her mind. Her chest is tight, her stomach in knots, Zayn had made it through most of her classes for the day before texting Harry to let her know she’d be heading home and not to worry about her. They had initially made plans to meet up at the library to do some studying before heading home, but Zayn just couldn’t. She couldn’t go through the motions of being okay, of not being on the brink of just breaking down. Harry responded with a sad emoji and a ‘tell me if you need me’.

They both knew Zayn wouldn’t.

Or not that she wouldn’t, but that she just couldn’t. Whatever this was wasn’t Harry’s problem. It wasn’t Zayn’s place to put it on Harry. Harry who had the most beautiful smile with dimples that sucked you right in. Harry, whose eyes were so wide and bright, filled with mirth and happiness. Harry was Zayn’s best friend, her best everything and while Zayn didn’t know how she’d been so lucky to find Harry, often felt she didn’t deserve her. There was no way Zayn was going to be responsible for bringing Harry down with her, even if Harry argued that’s what best friend were for.

Hours have passed when Zayn wakes up again. She blinks and looks at her window, to see that it is still snowing. Instead of the windy, wet whipping of freezing rain though, it is large flakes that Zayn loves. They’re the flakes that stick to everything, that cover the ugliness of the city and cover it with peaceful beauty. Zayn’s stomach growls with hunger and she sits up to check her desk. The tray is still there, untouched and waiting for her. Harry’s note propped where Zayn had left it, the heart visible. 

It takes her a few moments to stretch the kinks out of her legs. Zayn slips a pair of trackies on and tugs on a hoodie as she grabs the tray and heads into the living room where she finds Harry curled up on the couch with Peaches on her lap and Louis against her side. 

Before she can speak, Louis has stretched out her arms and is making grabby motions at Zayn to join her. Harry’s eyes light up and her smile is so wide Zayn can’t help but smile back.

“Zee,” Louis whines when Zayn doesn’t join her fast enough. “Been so worried. Get over here and comfort me.”

“You?” Harry teases as she flicks Louis’ ear. Zayn watches them exchange flirty smiles as she places her tray on the coffee table and curls into Louis’ embrace. The soup is still hot and she starts to eat, ignoring her two friends who are now kissing playfully. Before she can complain, they break away and Louis places a gentle kiss behind Zayn’s ear.

“Seriously babe, Haz has been worried. I’M worried. Is everything okay?” 

Zayn focuses on the soup in front of her, swallowing down the emotions she knows will eventually bubble to the surface. She shakes her head, opting for honesty. Thankfully, neither Harry nor Louis say anything. Instead, they hold her close, Louis stroking her hair gently while Harry wraps her arms around the two of them in a cozy embrace. 

Once Zayn is done her dinner, Harry untangles herself to bring Zayn’s dishes to the kitchen and retrieves her a mug of tea. There is a comfort in their embrace, a feeling of warmth and love that Zayn can slowly feel permeate through the chill in her bones. It’s a feeling that seems to have an iron grip on her ribs, squeezing her until she can’t breathe some days. Today had been one of those days, where every breath she took hurt, but now, surrounded by Louis and Harry, she can feel herself relaxing.

Louis’ phone chimes with an alert of a new message and Zayn feels her pinch Harry in silent request to check it. It’s clear that they’re trying to have a discussion without actually saying anything and Zayn sleepily turns her head to look at the two. 

“What?” She asks. Zayn watches Harry’s eyes widen guiltily while Louis sighs.

“It’s …” Harry shakes her head and closes her mouth. Zayn doesn’t need her to say who it is, she knows.

“It’s Liam.”

Harry nods while Louis’ eyes narrow.

“Of course it is. She’s worried sick about you.” Her tone softens as she presses her face against Zayn’s jaw. “We all are.”

“You don’t have to worry about me.”

Harry snorts through the tears in her eyes. Zayn looks at her best friend in alarm, shocked to see how upset she is. It’s then that she really looks at Harry and sees the circles under her eyes, the way she keeps watching her like she’s going to disappear right before her eyes.

“Of course I have to worry about you Zee. If I don’t, who will? You?”

“I can take care of myself.” Zayn knows it’s not true. And she knows that both Harry and Louis do as well. But she never asked for anyone to worry about her. She never asked them to care, but she knows it’s pointless to tell them this because it will just start a conversation that none of them are in any way prepared to have.

Again.

“We know you can, babe,” Louis says softly. “But you don’t have to.”

“We don’t want you to,” Harry adds softly. A few moments pass before Harry speaks again. “She’s coming over.”

Zayn sees her flinch, as though Harry is expecting her to yell and scream at her. Normally, Zayn would. She would jump up and storm around the flat, screaming and yelling at the both of them. There would have been accusations of them interfering in things that don’t concern them. Zayn would have been irrational, claiming that they have no right to discuss her like she’s someone to be pitied and handled. But she doesn’t. She can’t because deep down, she knows they’re right. She’s gotten so used to pushing people away when she’s like this that she doesn’t know how to accept love or affection. Or help.

She knows she needs help. She’s not a danger to herself or anyone else, it’s not gotten to that point. But she also knows that it is a fine line between where she is now and where she could be, and she’s so afraid of crossing that line she has to swallow any and all pride she has and accept their desire to help.

Zayn needs them like she needs air and she’s so tired of trying to do everything on her own she’s forgotten what it’s like to be taken care of.

Harry is crying when Zayn raises her head and nods. “Thank you.” 

There is a knock on the door. Louis kisses the top of Zayn’s head as she gets up to answer it while Harry uses that moment to climb on top of Zayn and wrap her arms and legs around her in a full body embrace.

“I love you so much Zayn,” Harry whimpers. “I don’t know what has you feeling like you are, but I will never not be here to make you soup and sandwiches. Or hug you. Or do whatever I need to do to make sure you’re going to be okay.”

“I love you too Haz.” Zayn swallows down her own tears and buries her face in the other girl’s throat. “Just, please never change. Know that I love you and appreciate everything you do. For me and everyone around you.”

They’re joined on the couch, not only by Liam and Louis, but another person who Zayn hadn’t expected to be in any rush to come to her side. She finally opens her eyes to see blue eyes, rims red and wet starting back at her. Her blonde hair, unkempt and looks like it hasn’t been washed in a few days, is covering half of her face.

“Zee,” Niall whispers. She sits on the coffee table, afraid to join them on the couch but still close enough that if Zayn wanted to, she could reach out and touch her. She does want to, and with one tug, she pulls the blonde onto the couch along with her and Harry.

“You look like shit, Nialler,” Zayn says through her tears. 

“I feel like shit, Zayner,” Niall starts to laugh which sets Zayn off in giggles too. It takes a bit of shifting and manoeuvering but they all curl up on the couch together in a pile of arms and legs, tangled together.

“I’m sorry, Zee.” Niall finally says when they’ve all settled together. She’s holding on of Zayn’s hands while Liam has the other. “I…didn’t know. How did I not know? “

“How would you?” Zayn asks. A lightness she hasn’t felt in a long time comes over her and she allows herself to relax into it. These four girls are her rock, her strength and she knows she still has a long way to go, but she’s confident in taking the first step. “I just …” She pulls Niall’s face close and rubs their noses together affectionately. “I don’t talk about it. It’s been a while since it’s been this bad.”

“But to tell you that you deserve to be unhappy?” Niall swallows and she buries her face against Louis’ stomach. “I said such horrible things to you.”

Zayn pulls Niall’s face from where she’s hidden it. “Niall,” she begs. “Please understand it’s not you. It’s me. There’s something wrong with me and it’s not your fault. I don’t know if you remember, but I said some pretty bad things too. You didn’t deserve any of it.”

“Neither of you did,” Liam interrupts firmly. She turns to Zayn and cups her jaw firmly. “You’re going to tell us what you need and we’ll make it happen. And when you don’t know, we’ll do what we think is best. No regrets. No worries of what’s said or done. When you need to talk to someone and you can’t talk to us, we’ll get you someone you can talk to.”

Zayn nods. She knows it’s long overdue for her to visit the Health Clinic and see about speaking to a professional, a therapist or doctor. Someone who can help her make sense of what is going on inside her head when she herself can’t. Someone who she can just talk to without fear of hurting them with her thoughts. 

“I don’t know what I did to deserve you,” Zayn admits softly. She feels four distinct pair of lips leave kisses on her skin. Liam’s on her temple. Niall’s on her cheek. Harry on the top of her head and Louis on her stomach. 

“It’s going to be okay Zee,” Harry promises. “I can’t say when, but it will.”

“And we’ll be here every step,” Louis vows. “Even when you don’t think you want us, we’ll be here.”

“Like an STD you can’t get rid of,” Niall cackles.

“You’d know about that, Ni,” Liam offers a giggle. 

Zayn turns her head so that she can look at each of them individually. From brown eyes, to blue, to green to blue. She honestly can’t remember when the darkness started, when it began to pull her under. But she will always remember this day. This moment when she went from standing alone in the darkness to standing with four other girls who loved her enough to show her the light.


End file.
